Thursday, March 23, 2006

A short tour of KBW blogs has shown me that many if not all bloggers seem to be pro gay no fanatically pro gay which I as the Instigator have no problem with as I believe that we are all entitled to our own beliefs no matter how misguided they are.I for one do not approve of the gay lifestye on bit but I am not homophobic, the word phobic connotes fear.I do not fear gays in fact I know some and they don't make a single hair rise on my forearm.But you know how it is with the rainbow brigade, once you disapprove you are the next Hitler.But to clear up this whole issue I sat down for an interview with a reporter from the gay magazine unzipped about my sexual status and how it made me who I am today and the challenges I face as a straight black man in an increasingly gay friendly society.

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality? Society, with a bit of help from genetics.

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual? Kindergarten, when I became scared to death of girls. How little things change...

3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of? Possible, but highly unlikely, it's just so much more fun. Plus take a moment to consider this: Girl offering pussy = GOOD. Guy giving head (or asshole) = BAD.

4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of the same sex? Oh yes, this is the main cause of heterosexuality. If I didn't run screaming at even the mere thought of a dick up my ass, there's no way I could keep my life in order. A good homophobia is the best thing really. Nothing quite like it for keepin' you in line.

5. Isn't it possible that all you need is a good gay lover? Eh, probably not. See, there'd be the penis/butt envy thing. If I'm bigger and/or better he'll just feel jealous, and it'll never work. If he's bigger and/or better, well I'd just lie in a corner sobbing for an hour--it could just never work.

6. Heterosexuals have histories of failure in gay relationships. Do you think you may have turned to heterosexuality out of fear or rejection? Yes, I think this is what it is. Men are so much easier to approach then women, and you never have to guess what they're thinking the way you do with women. Yes, men are much easier to figure out and avoid rejection with. Sure.

7. If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldn't prefer that? Because it's disgusting. Next question.

8. If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental patients heterosexual? I blame that on repressed homosexuality. See, these people really aren't hetero, they're just so messed up that they have no idea. The problem is that they've gone crazy due to all the repressed gay inside.

9. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react? Shock. "INSTIGATOR?! Likes women?? OMG I HAD NO IDEA!!" is a common response. Shocking, I know.

10. Your heterosexuality doesn't offend me as long as you don't try to force it on me. Why do you feel compelled to seduce others into your sexual orientation? See, I don't really. I'm not going to seduce a gay guy--into anything really (especially not my bed), and why would I want to seduce a lesbian into becoming straight? Lesbians can make the best friends especially the butch ones whom you can go to the gym with.

11. If you chose to nurture children, would you want them to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they would face? Well, I would try my best to raise them right, and if they turn out hetero, well, I'll try not to think of myself as a failure.

12. The great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you really consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers? Not at all. This is why priests are so much safer. With all the gay men driven to the priesthood to avoid discrimination and sin, I feel much safer sending little Jimmy off with Father Pedophile than I do having him learn from some old lady--who I just know lusts after him.

13. Why do you insist on making a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? Can't you just be what you are and keep it quiet? Not really. See, I am a man. Everytime one of us men gets a woman into a heterosexual relationship with us, we really can't believe that it's actually happened. This is why we must take every oppurtunity available to flaunt it in public. Gays are dime a dozen, nothing to be proud of there.

14. How can you ever hope to become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexual object choice, and remain unwilling to explore and develop your normal, healthy, God-given homosexual potential? Another man's penis and/or anus is disgusting.Next question!

15. Heterosexuals are noted for assigning themselves and each other to narrowly restricted, stereotyped sex-roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy role-playing? Because as a man, it's my role is to work hard for my woman as she goes out to shop at Victoria's secret and goes home to get ready for some hot Instigator love!

16. How can you enjoy a fully satisfying sexual experience or deep emotinal rapport with a person of the opposite sex, when the obvious physical, biological, and tempermental differences between you are so vast? How can a man understand what pleases a woman and vice versa? We don't have to. With men, it's simple, there's an on/off button. And women have the parts that trigger the on. Namely, boobs.

17. Why do heterosexuals place such emphasis on sex? Because we're afraid of it/need it desperately and it feels so damn good!

18. How could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual, considering the menace of overpopulation? Simple. We'd just kill each other off systematically.

19. A disproportionate number of criminals, welfare recipients and other irresponsible anti-social types are heterosexual. Why would anyone want to hire a heterosexual for a responsible position?They dont know how to dress, are so untidy and they dont like bright colors!

20. Do heterosexuals hate and/or distrust others of their own sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual? Very much so! Subconsciously, all men desire to kill other men for their women, and all women desire to kill other women for their shoes.

21. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous? Now I feel like your stereotyping. Heteros are people too you know! There are promiscuous heteros and monogomous heteros and loser heteros who just can't get any. We're all different. Your hate makes me hate. It's the circle of life. Elton John's hair frightens and confuses me. But I still love him dearly.

22. Why do you make the point of attributing heterosexuality to famous people? Is it to justify your own heterosexuality? Oh yes. That and, if I knew some great gorgeous actress was gay, well, the temptation of switching sides--I just don't want to face that.

23. Could you really trust a heterosexual therapist/counselor to be objective and unbiased? Don't you fear he/she might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own leanings? I trust no one. They're all out to get me. Especially unamed KBW bloggers. You heard me, I'm on to you! You'll never get away with it!!

14 Comments:

At 3/23/2006 01:31:00 PM, Blogger Msanii_XL said...

Got damn man!!....that link is not Work Safe KIONYO AT LEAST...lol

 
At 3/24/2006 12:51:00 AM, Blogger kritik said...

waaa wa wa!!!
u gonna get some flak from some confused homoz!!!
this is so cold and to the point!!
am rolling(not that one!!) in laughter!!

 
At 3/24/2006 07:38:00 AM, Blogger Instigator said...

@ msanni
What part of gay magazine did you not understand?
@ kritik
let them bring it!

 
At 3/24/2006 12:14:00 PM, Blogger Stunuh Jay said...

All I can say.... DON'T DROP THE SOAP!!!!!
Have a good weekend :D

 
At 3/25/2006 12:22:00 AM, Blogger kritik said...

maze jana's pulse printed some gossip ati maina kageni is finally coming out in the open about his sexual "allignment"
poor dude!! i really cannot understand what made this brilliant son of the agikuyu go bonkers!!!!
he's got this brilliant show on classic105 that i bet its the best and most listened to show in nairobi currently.
why i ask why???
plus he goes telling the whole world ati he is ngothaless!!!
tutamwombea cos i still maintain, no african and for that matter kenyans, should delude themselves into thinking ati suddenly they are in touch with their sexuality!!
homosexuality is a no no here..
enjoy the weekend instigator..

 
At 3/25/2006 07:44:00 AM, Blogger gishungwa said...

next time you are i town let us know so that we can have a meetup

 
At 3/25/2006 08:14:00 AM, Blogger Instigator said...

@ stunuh
Thanks for the advice and have a nice weekend too!
@ kritik
Damn I miss the Pulse!Maina Kageni's orientation was an open secret in Nai, I always wondered when they had him on the Trust billboard why he didnt also have a tube of KY Jelly on hand for lubrication.I loved it when he used to be with Cess on Kiss but Cess had to go self destruct.I think that some of this gay stuff is also a trend but what can we do about it when the West tells us to how to live our lives!
@ gish
I'll most def let you know that gal!

 
At 3/29/2006 03:35:00 AM, Blogger dangerously_shy said...

Lol, interesting..

 
At 4/05/2006 02:10:00 AM, Blogger Prousette said...

you nuts!

 
At 4/05/2006 06:56:00 AM, Blogger Instigator said...

@ D-shy
I aim to please!
@ Prousette
Nah!

 
At 4/10/2006 05:58:00 AM, Blogger mudskippah said...

I thought satire was dead. I found it here, alive and kicking ass. Great read!

 
At 4/10/2006 08:47:00 AM, Blogger Instigator said...

@ mudskippah
Thanks for passing by!I aim to please!

 
At 4/25/2006 03:44:00 PM, Blogger gishungwa said...

i came , i read, tru msanii no go zone if at work. Love the satire

 
At 4/25/2006 05:04:00 PM, Blogger Instigator said...

@ gish
Satire beats bile hands down!

 

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